Today I came face to face with the invisible wall that holds me back from true surrender to God.
That wall. I've felt it for a while now. No matter how much I learn or grow in my relationship with Christ, I still feel the wall's presence. It keeps me from ever truly overcoming. It keeps me bound by anxiety. I find even in the midst of serving Him in ways I never have before, I can still feel the weight and pressure of the wall. Victories, though worthy of praise, are only partial, as I've never been able to fully scale the wall.
I recently began co-leading a small group in my women's bible study. That sentence alone speaks volumes as to how God has moved in the heart of and life of this social-anxiety-ridden, people-pleasing, introverted, non-risk-taking, confrontation-fearing, timid Daughter. Victory has been achieved in that I am able to push through the anxiety of leading and speaking, able to push through the fear of what others are secretly thinking about me. I am free enough to push through and serve.
But is partial freedom the only freedom I'll ever know?
The wall that fifteen minutes ago, I prayed about. As I read Jennie Allen's book, Anything, in preparation for this week's bible study meeting, I prayed:
God, I know I'm on the cusp of full surrender. I don't think my heart is fully ready to sincerely say, 'God, I'll do anything for you.' I'm still so held back and bound by something. I feel like I'm teeter-tottering on top of the wall that keeps me running full-speed to You. What is holding me back? What can I not let go of?
Then I continued reading. Jennie (in her book) told me that the thing I most fear is the thing that is most controlling in my life. She asked me: What are you most afraid of losing?
I stopped and I thought because I wanted to answer it right and honestly.
The thing I fear the most is losing everyone I love around me...having no support system...being alone.
Jennie told me to stare it in the face, to picture my life alone. I did, and I cried. It hurt and it scared me.
Snot and tears pouring down my face, and heart beating through my chest, I was finally able to identify THE WALL. The wall keeping me from full surrender:
God isn't real enough to me for me to have true comfort.
I don't fully believe that I am never alone. I don't know how to feel His Presence. My relationship with Him isn't real enough to me.
I have been His for 27 years, but today I asked him to become REAL to my beating heart. To become real to the heart he's inhabited for so long. How many of us live with someone for decades and never put the effort in to really getting to know them?
This life isn't about having a safe routine, doing the same thing every day. It's not about desiring a baby and asking my genie God to make all my dreams come true.
This life is about knowing God.
Who is He? Is He truly my first & foremost, my all-in-all? Who am I in His eyes?
This life is about experiencing God.
Playing it safe has kept me from needing to see God come through for me. I am learning that it is through risk that God becomes more real.
In order to demolish the wall, I will take more risks. I will intentionally put myself in situations where His Power alone will carry me through. When I recognize fear and anxiety creeping in, feeding me with doubt, I will recognize that as a cue from God, telling me to do it anyway.
He and I are in this together. This relationship. I've always been pursued. It's time for me to scale the wall and run fast and full of freedom, in pursuit of Him.